Dan Fixes Dot Blog

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====== That Damnable Sexy Mousetrap ======

The one and only post I ever plan to do on AI.

No seriously, if something new happens that I can make fun of then I'll just come back here and update this one post.  AI sucks all the air out of the rest of the internet, here it'll be contained.

This was originally [[https://retro.social/deck/@ifixcoinops/112847573063473767|a thread on Fedi]], but I'm putting it here for ease-of-postingness.  It starts off with me being pissed off with google and also pissed off with Proton because they were merrily stuffing their websites full of AI shite that nobody wants.  The thread devolved quickly into a shitpost and part of a system of shitposts that comes with a **content warning for repeated grievous genital injury**

===== The First Post =====


----

"You could lose access to your 20 years of Gmail history" I'm sure that was intended as a nudge to get me to give my phone number but it came across more like "You've had the same email address for two decades, cool cool cool, except it's on SOMEONE ELSE'S DOMAIN NAME!  WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!  And you've let them read and control your email for TWENTY YEARS?!  How did you let this happen!  No, don't look away, you have to fix this or it'll stagnate for another decade, this is an EMERGENCY you absolute MUPPET,"

----

🦝 No though, it's fine, it's alright, see, I was CLEVER.  For the past few years I've been slowly changing my accounts so I don't have everything tied to one ridiculous company that keeps doing daft stuff.

🦝 I'm moving to ProtonMail!

Protonmail CEO: 🦆 *sucks the end of his bleeding finger, giving a dirty look to a mousetrap labelled "A.I."* Yup, we're always innovating

🦝 what'd you do to that mousetrap

🦆 nothing

----

🦆 *eyeing up another mousetrap, this one labelled "Bitcoin"*

🦆 Nah, there are a bunch of fingertips already scattered around that one.

🦆 *looks down* Unless...

🦆 *unzips fly*

----

On the one hand, it would be unnecessarily vulgar and sexist to make "Sticking your dick in the mousetrap" a shorthand for throwing a lot of money at whatever the Better Mousetrap is this year, be it bitcoin or blockchain or NFT or AI or whatever

But on the other hand it's just SO EVOCATIVE

----

🐇 Great Dan, yet another tech thing exclusively aimed at people with dicks, excellent job,

🦝 oh with today's technology we can fit a clit in a mousetrap NO PROBLEM

🐴 and what about inter-

🦝 *stands up, palms on table* ALL IN THE MOUSETRAP

----

Where's that cigarette-smoking fox CEO from the bike thread

🦊 We're pivoting to AI

🦊🚬 "Snippety-snap, it's all for the trap," that's our new motto

----

Watching You've Been Framed, it's an AI special, dudes in suits queuing up to stick their dicks in the mousetrap, I'm giggling at them from my TV armchair, a guy in jeans and a polo shirt says "For goodness' sake not like that, here let me show you how it's OW," I'm losing it, spilling my tea on my belly, they just keep on going, "No, see, try putting it in at an angle AH FUCK" I can't breathe, laughing so hard I pee a lil bit, tears running down my face, I see the CEO of a company I actually use and rely on and I stand up tea spilled on the floor shouting at the telly "Wait NO-"

----

*movie trailer voice* IN A WORLD, BEFORE THE DICK MOUSETRAP,

A man at a desk pushes his hair up his forehead and sighs, from the doorway "Are you coming to bed honey?" "Yeah, just give me a few," mutters to himself "An idea. Just one idea, that's all I need," he looks at the mousetrap in the corner, he looks down at his dick, his face lights up "EUREKA!"

"A Better Mousetrap," the unauthorized biopic of the billionaire dick-in-mousetrap man, this summer and only in cinemas

----

🦆 I read the popular science fiction novel "Don't put your dick in the mousetrap" as a young boy and since then I've wanted to build a better mousetrap to put my dick in

----

THE UTOPIAN SOLARPUNK FUTURE:

🐴 You know, I heard about this new technology that could change the world,

🐰 Oh yes, I know what you mean, stay away my friend, that's this year's Better Mousetrap

🐴 Ah, from the popular saying "Don't put your dick in the mousetrap," well I'll stay away then, thank goodness that scruffy fedi pinball raccoon popularized that phrase back in 2024

🐰 Yes indeed, if it weren't for him we'd all be walking around with mousetraps dangling from our dicks

🐴 That's why his PFP's on the 20 centimousetrap coin

----

Fedi: ✨🦊🏳️‍⚧️ good morning everyone, what shall we post today, hmm let's do some positive USPOL memes (properly CW'd of course), some good composting information, good good, oh Dan's awake, I wonder if we'll get some interesting arcade technologyposting

🦝 *rubbing hands together* Right, dick in a mousetrap, here we go

----

🦊🚬 Right lads, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but the bubble has popped, the arse has fallen out of the dick-in-a-mousetrap game, and unless we think of something to turn it around right quick I'm gonna have to sack the bloody lot of you. Ideas?

🐩 Sir, research indicates that every time a CEO puts his dick in a mousetrap, stock prices rise sharply at first but then tumble astronomically once the pain sets in and markets return to temporary rationality

🦊 So it's the pain that people object to

🐩 And the dick-stuck-in-a-mousetrap part honestly

🐩 The point where the dick goes in the mousetrap, that's when things go wrong

🐩 Everything up to that point seems to work fine

🦊 So now that we've thoroughly incorporated dicks-in-mousetraps into our business, we need to figure out some kind of way to put your dick in a mousetrap, without ending up with your dick stuck in a mousetrap

🦊 Johnson, get working on a new dickless mousetrap prototype

🐛 s-sir

🦊 Or a mousetrapless dick, if needs be

----

See, this is why CEOs need hobbies.  A CEO's job is to do ✨something✨ and watch the money pour in, problem is that businesses can get into the unfortunate situation where they make enough money to pay everyone well and then just kinda tick over in that horrible boring state for years and years.  If the boss doesn't have a good hobby, if he just comes to the office every day and twiddle his thumbs, he'll find himself in need of a good mousetrap to stick his dick in

----

I think the whole sticking-your-dick-in-a-mousetrap thing is funny because it's both absurd and relatable

I mean who among us can honestly say they've never gotten their dick stuck in a mousetrap

----

You know, you hear on the news about the latest dick-caught-in-mousetrap epidemic, you think "Pfft, those dingdongs, that'll never happen to me," five minutes later SNAP aw hell, welp that's what I get for being smug I guess

----

And then you're in the hardware store five minutes before closing time marching angry down the aisles with the wood slapping your thighs, where even is it, where's the I-dun-goofed-and-gotta-fix-in-a-hurry aisle, toilet repair, nope, quickset drywall repair nah, you end up having to ask where the dick-releasing crowbars are and the lady just can't keep the snicker off her lips can she, so much for my fucking Saturday night

----

You don't wanna drive all the way home like this so you just find a quiet corner of the car park and stick the jaws in and crank the handle and it slowly slowly starts to let go and just as you're starting to see the funny side of things then the cheap piece of shit shears clear in half and bam, now you got the whole kit and kaboodle stuck in there, can't even take it back 'cause half of it's stuck in the mousetrap so you just drive home and write the manufacturer a shitty email and write the night off and deal with it in the morning

Am I right fellas

Anyway these tech bro CEOs go and harass the mousetrap on PURPOSE

----

I love that there are email sysadmin people earnestly replying to the first post of this thread

----

I can't believe the poor Proton social media hamster is still putting out fires all over Fedi after I spent eighteen posts very persuasively and eloquently laying out my concerns and suggesting a future roadmap for the company

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Mark, owner of Smashwords: 🦌 Okay Draft2Digital, I'll sell you my company whose userbase is full of the kinkiest people you can possibly imagine, but you've gotta promise to let them continue being kinky

Draft2Digital: 🐴 oh we promise

🦌 And don't do anything *too* fucked up, alright?

🐴 we promise

🦌 OK

*five minutes later*

New email, from: 🐴 subject: AUTHOR POLL on attractiveness of mousetrap; is this mousetrap hot enough to fuck? Have your say here

----

**Special "NaNoWriMo" Edition!**

🐰 *lowering dick slowly towards gaping mousetrap* I know you think I shouldn't do this, but have you considered that NOT doing this would actually be problematic?

🦊🐺🦝🐫 *cries of anguish and DON'T DO IT etc*

🐰 Bigots.  You're all bigots.  *K-SNAP* OW WHAT THE FUCK

----

🦊🐺🦝🐫 WE TOLD YOU IT WOULD HURT

🐰 STOP BEING CLASSIST

----

Subway Tooter is honestly the best Fedi app for a whole list of reasons, but high up on that list is the ability to have threads open in tabs that you can pin so they don't close accidentally.  You can even set colours for those tabs so you can find them more quickly, for when you want to add to them.

🐰 Dan why is this relevant to the mousetrap thread

🦝 I'LL STOP POSTING ABOUT IT WHEN THEY STOP DOING IT

----

🦊 *dick snuffling and leaping around inside boxers* What is it, boy?  What do you smell?

🍆 *pointing at a mousetrap surrounded by mangled bits of 🍆 and people clutching their crotches and groaning like at the end of that Robocop fan remake scene, you know the one* WUFF BORK WROFF

🦊 Ooh, I really shouldn't...

🍆 whimper whimper whine

🦊 Aw hell with it, GO GIT 'EM BOY

----

**Special "NextCloud" edition!**

Nextcloud Man: 🐕 Google and Microsoft want you to stick YOUR dick in THEIR mousetrap.

🦝 What, that's absurd.

🐕 It certainly is, friend.  Why would you stick your dick in a mousetrap that someone else controls?

🦝 Yeah exactly, thank you for making sense, lately it seems like the whole world's gone mad

🐕 Using our open-source software, YOU control the dick mousetrap

🦝 ...what

🐕 Stick your dick in your OWN mousetrap

🦝

🐕 Take back control

----

🐕 Nextcloud users, we hear you loud and clear.  We hear your yelps of agony.

🐕 We hear your anguished cries of "WHY, FOR FUCK'S SAKE WHY"

🐕 And we want to let you know that sticking your dick in this is purely optional!

🦝 is that why you placed it cocked and ready right at crotch height

🐕 For your convenience and empowerment.

----

🐕 *looking down at a barely-recognizable swollen purple mass wrapped thrice around the business end of a bloodied mousetrap*  You see what the problem is here, don't you.

🦝 Yes, everybody sees the problem except you

🐕 Hm.  Yeah, it's obvious in hindsight.

🦝 *waits for it*

🐕 This mousetrap isn't open-source

----

**Special "Proton CEO sucks up to MAGA" Edition!**

🐿 Talk me through what happened here, mister Proton.

🦆 Well doc, I went and stuck my left ball in the AI mousetrap

🐿 I see, and your right testicle?

🦆 Bitcoin

🐿 Yes, I thought it might be something like that when I heard you coming down the hall.

🦆 'cause of the clapping

🐿 The wood-on-wood clapping sound, yes, from not one but *two* mousetraps, extraordinary.  So obviously you'd like these removed.

🦆 Oh hell no.  No, I just wanted your advice, I wanted to know whether these'd interfere with the big one.

🐿 The big one?

🦆 Yeah, the big one, hang on I got a picture on my phone.  Here.  Ain't it a beaut.

🐿👓 Mister Proton, this appears to be a picture of a bear trap.

🐿👓 It has "MAGA" written on it.

🐿👓 In what appears to be gold Sharpie.  Mister Proton -

🦆 Now I know what you're thinkin', but lemme stop you there.

🐿

🦆

🐿 Go on?

🦆 What

----

**Special "China (releases open-source AI that uses a tiny fraction of the power to outperform the commercial models)" Edition!**

🦊 SHIT SHIT SHIT JOHNSON GET IN HERE

🐛 sir

🦊 OUR STOCK PRICE IS IN FREEFALL

🦊 A TRILLION DOLLARS JUST DISAPPEARED JOHNSON

🐛 sir?

🦊 SOMEONE'S GIVING AWAY THE DICK MOUSETRAP FOR FREE

----

🐩 You look like you've just had a bollocking

🐛 I don't understand it.  I don't understand anything that's happening.

🐩 There there.

🐩 You're normal.

🐩 It's not understandable.

🐛 I thought our mission was to snap everyone's dicks, and now everyone can get their dick snapped, surely we should be rejoicing

🐩 Oh honey

🐩 It was never about snapping dicks.

🐩 I mean, who wants their dick snapped?  Do YOU want your dick snapped?

🐛 I mean... I kinda went along with it, but I didn't really no

🐩 Honey, it was about the waste.  Here, have a tissue.  Remember the monkey pictures?  And the proof-of-waste coins that weren't real?

🐛 Kinda?

🐩 The waste was the point, dear.  The inefficiency was what made it so that only the very rich had the money to burn to run the machines.  If you take away the waste, if the dick mousetrap machine becomes more efficient, then you just have a bunch of mangled dicks and nobody making any money.

🐛 So now that sticking your dick in a mousetrap doesn't burn irreplaceable resources, the dick mousetrap factory owners are finally wondering whether anyone wants to stick their dick in the mousetrap?

🐩 That's right, dear.  That's where all the money's gone.  Now take a breath.  Wipe those eyes.  Shoulders back and chin up high.

🐩 The people with the deep pockets will be moving on to the next scam, and this time you're going to get a piece of it.

🐩 You've got a better mousetrap to build.

🐩 Kiss me you animal.

🐩❤🐛

----

🐿 Mister Proton, I'm writing you a prescription for bankruptcy.  You can pick it up after three.

🦆 Thanks doc

🐿 Not at all.  Kindly send Mister Wordpress in on your way out.

----

**Special "Classroom" Edition!**

🦝 Now pay attention, you at the back.  *whips pointing stick against blackboard*  THIS SHAPE.  Knowing this shape will save you all your dicks.

🐴 That's not a shape

🦝 I can't draw.

🦌 I can't read your writing

🦝 Yeah my handwriting's bad too.  Anyway look at the previous three mousetraps

🐍 You need to start putting these on the board

🦝 I'm trying to save your dick here.  Anyway, first mousetrap, cryptocurrency, used VAST AMOUNTS OF ELECTRICITY, to do, anyone?

🐼 Crime

🦝 Excellent, perfect, next one, VAST AMOUNTS OF ELECTRICITY to do,

🐃 Ugly monkeys

🦝 Brilliant, now you're getting it, then what happened?

🐼🐍 Vast amounts of electricity

🦝 To do?

🐷 Wrong answers!

🦝 YES!  Good god you lot are clever

🦇 So the next mousetrap's also gonna use enormous amounts of electricity to do something ridiculous that nobody wants.

🦝 That's it!  That's what I've been -

🦇 We know.

🦝 ...sorry?

🐐 Dude everybody knows.  You're preaching to the choir.

🦝 ...oh.

🐴 Yeah if you wanna save some dicks go talk to CEOs.

🦝 No, I don't care about their dicks, honestly I think it's funny when they take turns trying to fuck the mousetrap

🐀 You should write a book.

🦝 ...I should!

🐀 You should!

🦝 I will!  I'll call it "The Shape Of The Mousetrap: How To Avoid Falling For The Next Big Tech Scam" and I'll sell it as an epub for ten grand a copy, and all the ceos will buy it!  I'LL BE THE DICK MOUSETRAP!  ME!

🐀 Great idea!  You should end this lesson and write that book!

🦝 CLASS DISMISSED!

🐐... thank you, 🐀

🐀 quickest way to shut him up tbh

----

**Special "Using Mastodon's Content Warning feature to CW this toot as "vulgar, absurd, genital injury, bad tech, classroom, illustrated, drawing of a dick getting stuck in a mousetrap"" Edition!**

See accompanying illustration, Figure 1

{{:blog:2025:6695115646f23fe1.png?500|}}

----

**Special "Dan got posted on Metafilter recently and dares his audience to do likewise with his mousetrapdick" Edition!**

🦝 betcha THIS thread won't get posted to one of those proper websites

----

**Special "Posted on the 27th of January 2025" Edition!**

vulgar, absurd, genital injury, bad tech, metacommentary, horrific realisation:

I HAVE BEEN WRITING THIS THREAD SINCE THE TWENTY FIFTH OF JULY TWO THOUSAND AND TWENTY FOUR

AND THE DICKS KEEP GOING IN THE MOUSETRAPS

DESPITE ALL MY WARNINGS

----

**Special "The Turn" Edition!**

A trillion dollars disappeared in a day because someone made a garbage generator that uses fewer irreplaceable natural resources than the current garbage generators, and that makes me think about cobblestones.

Remember cobblestones?  You could hook your computer up to a big distributed science project, there were tons to choose from, you could fold human proteomes, you could search for extraterrestrial intelligence, you could map cancer markers, develop better solar cell materials, all sorts of stuff.  It took the form of a screensaver - whenever you weren't using your computer your CPU fans would spin up and you'd be folding.  Move your mouse and it pauses.  Great stuff.  Something useful for your computer to do when you step away for a minute.

Anyway, you'd get credit for the work your computer had done.  Cobblestones, they were called.  They were never used as currency, they were just to show off.  A cobblestone was a kind of receipt to show that your computer had done something useful.

We never used cobblestones as currency, but we could've.  Instead we got bitcoin, which is a receipt that shows that your computer made a bitcoin.  What's the bitcoin for?  Being a receipt that your computer made a bitcoin.

It served as proof that you'd wasted some electricity.

Proof of waste.

There's other cryptocurrencies as well, some of which work differently to the proof of waste system, and those are worthless, because they're not proof of waste.

The waste is the point.

Now we get this market crash today, money disappeared, because the new AI thing is roughly as pointless as the old one but nowhere near as wasteful.

The waste, is the point.  We saw it with cryptocurrencies and we saw it with NFTs and we see it with AI.

The waste has to be the point, because to some people, waste equals scarcity equals wealth equals power.  The waste has to be the point because the machines that process the pointlessness have to be expensive, have to be owned by someone, have to be inaccessible to the average person, have to be manufactured and sold and rented out, the means of production of the pointlessness has to be in the right hands.  The waste has to be the point, because otherwise we would've decided years ago that a cobblestone was worth a twentieth of a nice sandwich.

The waste is the point.

----

**Special "The Prestige" Edition!**

Now I wrote that last post using bog-standard unremarkable dirty tricks to get you all riled up and seething at the injustice of it all.  Keep repeating the same sentence structures, the same sentences even, chanting, striking rhythmic blows on a hammer to push the idea deeper in, make it want to come out the other side, make you want to boost it, share it, spread it around.

And if you boost that toot, then it'll go far.

And other people might read it.

And they might nod to themselves and think "I'll boost this toot too."

And then, my friends.

Then.

🦝  They might scroll back to the beginning of this thread

----

**Special "Holy shit I wrote that post at midnight and when I woke up it had like a thousand boosts which is Big Numbers On Fedi" Edition!**

Asking for boosts, going to bed, waking up and finding them received 

🎵 When you wish upon a star

----

I absolutely brought this on myself so I will calmly resist the urge to Reply to the Guys telling me how the stock market works with "sir this is the genital injury thread"

----

**Special "Microsoft" Edition!**

🐼 Remember Clippy?

🦝 I remember killing him

🦝 I killed him so many times in so many ways but he kept coming back

🐼 He's BACK!

🦝 Wearing a different skin, yeah, he does that

🐼 He's BUFF!

🦝 Yeah he's hit the gym aye, looks like a

🐼 He's READY,

🦝 like a mousetrap, that makes sense

🐼 for your DICK,

🦝 *sigh* yeah

----

**Special "Zoom" Edition!**

🦝 Gotta have a chat with the accountant today, better make sure Zoom's updated and will work etc.  Haven't used it in a while.

🐷 HI i'm DIFFERENT now

🦝 Oh, that's... different, the, uh... the window titlebar isn't there anymore, I can't move the window... OK so right-click on the taskbar and select Move, right, less convenient but at least it's possible... OK "show system borders and title bar" under Accessibility settings, why the hell would that even be an option, never mind defaulting to off...

🐷 i look BETTER now

🦝👓 It's called "Zoom Workplace" now, looks like it's trying to be an email client and like a google docs thing?  I mean fine, whatever, these things happen, the kebab house starts selling showerheads and the post office has a fish counter now, well I *say* these things happen, they don't really, they happen on the computer,

🐷 i do EVERYTHING now

🦝 Wait.

🦝 Just... just hold on a sec...

🦝 What thread is this?

🐷 i put my - wait what

🦝 What thread are we in, 🐷?

🐷 uh... we're in the...

🦝

🐷

🦝 I'm so sorry

----

**Special "Proton announced they're closing their Fediverse accounts" Edition!**

I wonder if part of Proton leaving Mastodon was the folks pointing them to this thread

----

**Special "Windows 11" Edition!**

🐐 *k'snap* AAAAOWWW!  Jesus, FUCK!

🎤🐰 Trunt Kronglesforth here live at KerSnap '24, where Bill Microsoft - or "Billy Mikes" as he's know in the industry - has just thrust his todger into the mousetrap live on stage.  The mood in the room here is celebratory, but what about the world outside of silicon valley?  We'll go live now to the studio with Pisstie Crumbles for our instant viewer reaction

🦌 Thank you Trunt, well as you can see from the Toot Hole the response out here in the world is quite different, one viewer Ingrid from Scrankles quotes, "Why dear god why would they do this to themselves," while Tom from Flapsburn says "I've put off moving to Linux for years but I'm making the jump next month, better an incomprehensible dick labyrinth than that rusty mousetrap."

🎤🐰 Jesus Pisstie, if folk are downloading Linux then things must be REALLY fucked up

----

🎤🐰 Live here from ChopItRightOff '25, you might remember Billy Mikes making headlines last year by removing his penis from the mousetrap following near-universal condemnation and mockery.  Well, he's up on the stage again, pantslessly enthusing about all the positive feedback he's received, dick still covered in bandages, and he is once again approaching the mousetrap,

----

**Special "People are actually considering switching to Linux over the whole Recall thing" Edition!  Tagged on Mastodon as "Discussion of free and open source software in the context of gratuitous genital trauma, including illustrations"**

🦇 Look, it's very simple.  Which of these would you rather stick your dick in?  The convoluted, intimidating Linux system, or the familiar, simple Microsoft Mousetrap?

{{:blog:2025:5735d8d2044154fa.webp?500}}
{{:blog:2025:3b055776d3b2b59d.webp?500}}

----

🦝 ...will I get it back?

🦇 You're REALLY overthinking this.

----

🦝 Hey, can you gimme a second opinion?

🐻 I heard.  Don't worry, buddy.  Use the Linux one.  It's scary at first, but once you get used to it it's real nice.

🦝 Yeah, but *will I get my dick back though*

🐻 Sure.  But different.

----

===== That's the thread so far =====

I have the thread open in a tab all the time, special, because folk keep sticking their dick in the mousetrap.  They just can't help it.